I was abrutly reminded this week that I am certainly not as in control of my own mind as I thought I was. The visit in my mind from this 'old friend' or trigger took me a bit my surprise, and as much as I pride myself about having a strong mind which can usually self determine it's own path, I still found myself engaging with this old thought knowing full well where it was going to lead me and it wasn't going to be pretty. I do understand why the feeling is there, as I have a laymans understanding of the fight or flight process that takes place in our brains. Adrenalin is released to prepare our bodies to run from danger, but the curious thing is that my perceived threat was not life threatning? yet the intensity of the feeling well it may as well have been. Thoughts become scattered and scrambled and the only escape in that moment is distraction!. I felt I had been trampled by a herd of elephants. Some old pattern or belief is responsible for this, and no doubt at the time was very valid, but fast forward to present day and it's just not conducive to my health any more. My belief patterns have a lot to answer for and thank goodness moments like these don't happen as much as they used too, but they still surface occassionally which means only one thing! and that is to do battle with myself, and as crazy as that sounds that's exactly what I did. There was some pockets of being able to beat this beast in my mind and then there was periods when it took hold again. Back and forth my mind went.... The fact that this happens at all irritates me enough, but add to that I can't give my undivded attention to anything or anyone else and I feel doubly robbed. I also know that I'm the only one that can change this chaos in my head!.. Some people choose to numb the thoughts and anxieties that go on in their minds through either the use of drugs or medication, Me? I want to face this charging bull full on because I know that's the only way I can beat it. To numb it is not enough for me, I need to shrink it to the point where I control it and it doesnt control me. When I disconnect from rationality like this and thoughts go crazy, I tend to swing between the need for autonomy and the need for connection. A contradiction yet none the less how I feel. I don't think I have one tool that's effective, I try lots and see which one hits the mark first. Its usually something that is quite spiritual in nature. When I feel connected in a deeper sense then slowly but surely I feel my charging bull retreat. I know he's there again, lurking and just waiting for the opportunity to return but I figure that every time I challenge him then he will bother with me less until he is but the size of a kitten which then I can decide when he comes out to play or not.
Www.carlascoachingforhealth.com
Www.carlascoachingforhealth.com
RSS Feed
