Bullies are not just found in school yards or on line, they can be rampant in any environment where people have to closely relate with each other. This could be within relationships, existing or previous, within the workplace, or even among families. A lot of us have been on the receiving end of a bully, and when it happens to me I try and look at it as objectively as I can. Using my own experience also enables me to write this coloumn in the hope that I can offer some understanding for others going through the same or a similar situation. One solution however does not fit all but the message is don't give up, there is help and there will be a solution forward.
The priority for anyone being bullied or harassed is always to try and avoid confrontation and to try and dodge unwarranted attacks from their victimiser. Trying to ignore the perpetrator can be stressful in itself as there is always a need for extreme alertness and awareness. Physiologically victims are constantly in the 'fight or flight' state. Victimisers are very deliberate. Their emotional goal is to feel more powerful as a result of feeling that they have control of another. However, knowing this does not help in a practical sense when on the receiving end. Victimisers are usually imbalanced in their thinking and they will endeavour to find any reason to justify their behaviour irrespective of whether there is any truth in their reasoning or not. A bully will look for any hint of an opportunity of going to 'war' but you can go into battle in a more pro active way:
Be aware that the emotionally stronger you become the more irritating you may also be to the bully, they absolutely hate it when they can not control you because it just highlights their own insecurities and weaknesses even more. They may move on to another victim or they may up the ante's. I heard recently from an authority on the subject that retribution is usually born out of a perceived inequality. In other words it angers the bully when they think that you have something that they don't. Technically you may be defending nothing but a figment of their distorted imagination, they may even be mentally unwell in which case you really need intervention or help from an authority. At the very least try and stay focused on yourself by finding your own strength in knowing that their attention towards you has its roots in their insecurities. Somehow you threaten them, and in reality it is you that has the power over them by doing nothing but being your fantastic self.
Kia Kaha.
I
The priority for anyone being bullied or harassed is always to try and avoid confrontation and to try and dodge unwarranted attacks from their victimiser. Trying to ignore the perpetrator can be stressful in itself as there is always a need for extreme alertness and awareness. Physiologically victims are constantly in the 'fight or flight' state. Victimisers are very deliberate. Their emotional goal is to feel more powerful as a result of feeling that they have control of another. However, knowing this does not help in a practical sense when on the receiving end. Victimisers are usually imbalanced in their thinking and they will endeavour to find any reason to justify their behaviour irrespective of whether there is any truth in their reasoning or not. A bully will look for any hint of an opportunity of going to 'war' but you can go into battle in a more pro active way:
- Tell those in authority in the hope that they can/will do something about it. This can be seen by the bully as an act of attack (rather than defence), and can lead to further retribution. You will need to weigh up how reliable the authority is before you take this further.
- Try and 'reason' with the bully. Yet usually behind them is another bully fuelling the situation, so reasoning with one may be possible but two or more is very difficult. Try and call a meeting complete with a mediator, although bullies are cowards and you may find that they will not meet with you one on one making this a difficult option.
- Surround yourself with people who you trust, and who can support you when you are being targeted. Talk talk talk to as many people as you can, exposing the bullies behaviour, you may just find support in the most unlikeliest of places. Keep your communication transparent open and honest.
- Get informed!... Information is power. Seek some free legal advice if need be, there is laws around harassment
Be aware that the emotionally stronger you become the more irritating you may also be to the bully, they absolutely hate it when they can not control you because it just highlights their own insecurities and weaknesses even more. They may move on to another victim or they may up the ante's. I heard recently from an authority on the subject that retribution is usually born out of a perceived inequality. In other words it angers the bully when they think that you have something that they don't. Technically you may be defending nothing but a figment of their distorted imagination, they may even be mentally unwell in which case you really need intervention or help from an authority. At the very least try and stay focused on yourself by finding your own strength in knowing that their attention towards you has its roots in their insecurities. Somehow you threaten them, and in reality it is you that has the power over them by doing nothing but being your fantastic self.
Kia Kaha.
I
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