Too many lives are being affected by out of control adults and frankly Im tired of witnessing what can now only be seen as an epidemic of people who can no longer handle their emotions. When are we going to stop enabling these characters and making excuses for them? Being emotionally numb, or not being able to emotionally regulate themselves enough to be able to offer those around them a level of personal safety is not the fault of others, but rather a reflection of their inability to emotionally mature. Sure as children I understand that these folk would have possibly learnt this bad behaviour due to what they too would have been exposed too, but it's no longer a good enough excuse. Research however suggests that not all these tricky personalities had trauma in their lives, some were jellyfished and put on a pedastal by their over indulging parents. Neither the overcontrolling bullying authoritarian parent or the jellyfish parent are ideal for teaching little humans to become well functioning big humans. Where are we taught this I think to myself? We need a parenting school, or should we have compulsory parenting courses for every new parent? But whatever the context and reason that people grow up to be controlling adults, it's time for these characters to grow up and emotionally develop, but someone needs to show them how. A healthy relationship to these folk usually has a different meaning to them, and sits more in control or be controlled rather than them having a concept of mutually sharing the power of the relationship. They also have quite a distorted sense of needing to be needed to the point that it's a personal offence if you don't need them to the degree that they think you should. Working with energy as I do, I have come to learn how these folk prey and feed off their unsuspecting victims. The partner is not seen as an equal but rather something to be conquered. How you can weed out a narc personality from the get go is to mention something about you not 'needing' this relationship but rather 'wanting' it! Expose your heart and watch as he or she responds. If they fly into a rage and toss their toys out of the cot ? Then you're looking down the barrel of a smoking gun. Get out of the relationship right there!.. However, if you're the really compassionate type what you'll probably do is to make excuses for their behaviour, feel sorry for them and think you've got a grip on this (possibly because you yourself might have some subconcious beliefs of needing to be needed) and all you have to do is to keep loving them more and things will be unicorns and rainbows again. Wrong move!..It will never be that again, despite having the odd taste now and then. They will know they dynamic really well and will just throw you some crumbs now and then to keep you guessing. If you've found you've missed the sign posts and you're in deep? it's much harder to just walk away. You're probably now addicted to this toxic reality and the pull to keep 'working' at what you know deep down isn't working is excessivly strong!..They're like a drug to you and the need for those unicorns and rainbows has now become the obsession. It cracks me up when people say “just leave” as they clearly have no idea or have experienced this type of relationship. Those who have will know exactly what Im talking about here. It's a tricky and confusing one to get out of, but it will never ever get better, in fact it will get worse. I think we need some more relationship support services who talk into these dynamics as we seem to have lost the art of something here or is it that we just have a new 'breed' of human coming through? I don't know. What I do know is that holding the tension of staying loving and compassionate and being abused and an emotional door mat is real and it's not talked about enough, at least not until another life is lost to an out of control adult. And those who support these folk when they know there is abuse (of any kind) happening are in my mind just as bad and need to be called on it as well. So remember how you know if you are in a dangerously controlling relationship is to put down some boundaries and see what happens, and if you are too afraid too? Then that in itself tells you a very big story. It's time to leave! and if you can't because you're in too deep? Seek support. Whilst it's not your fault that you find yourself in this position, it's going to be your responsibility to change it sadly and you are going to need as much support as possible. If you are still feeling sorry for them? Then consider that you leaving them might be the catalyst for their change where there could be an opportunity for them too, just not with you. Stay safe.
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